Six Ways We Seek Validation

The Fear of Man – And You (Part 2)

Beyond Bushel Boy

In Part 1 of this series, I revealed the personal journey of the "Bushel Boy"—a nickname I gave myself for trying to hide my Christian faith and fit in. If you missed it, go back and read it to get the full context of this journey.

Now, in Part 2, we’ll explore the universal human desire for approval and unpack six particular ways I have seen this "fear of man" manifest in our lives.

My personal anecdotes last time highlight a struggle many of us recognise: the deep-seated desire to avoid judgement and simply fit in. Because, let's be honest, we all want to be liked, don't we? This isn't just a personal quirk; it's a fundamental human longing.

Photo by Sam Balye on Unsplash

Don’t Smile Before Christmas

When I was training as a teacher, I heard seasoned professionals dispense wisdom like,

Don't smile before Christmas,

– a strict approach meant to establish discipline from day one. Once you’d knocked the class into shape over the first term, it was then probably OK to loosen up a bit in the new year.

Another common refrain was,

I am not here to be liked; I am here to educate you.

I certainly tried to adopt this stern demeanour, and it did help me to some extent in mastering the craft of classroom management. Yet, a few years later, discussing this topic with a colleague, he simply said,

Yeah, but we all want to be liked, really, don't we?

His words struck a chord. He believed you could have both: effective teaching and genuine likability. In fact, he thought it was perfectly OK to want to be liked, even to aim for it.

This is the tension many of us feel. We know we need to put up boundaries in relationships, even if it feels harsh at times. But we don’t want to put anyone out so much that they speak unkindly about us.

Going With The Flow

From childhood report cards to adult social media feeds, the pursuit of external validation is a current many of us find ourselves swimming in. We go with the flow of connection, acceptance and approval rather than swim against the tide in pursuit of true authenticity, being the ‘real you.’

The urge to please, perform, and fit in, just so others will like us (whether kids or colleagues), is a common human experience.

But it's that quiet fear of judgement that can really shrink our authentic selves. We've all, at some point, tailored our words or actions, hoping for that simple nod of approval. Haven’t we?

How often do we truly let our guard down and just be ourselves, without wondering what others will think? For many, that's a rare and precious moment, as the pressure to gain approval weighs heavy.

This is because a subtle but powerful force is all too frequently at play in our lives, shaping our choices and even our identities: the deep longing for other people’s approval. We might experience it differently, but the core desire to be liked and accepted is undeniably human. This is precisely the snare that Proverbs warns us about.

The Six-Headed Beast of People Pleasing

As we unpack these distinct faces of people pleasing, it's clear they share some common threads, weaving together to form a powerful internal struggle. At the heart of it often lies a poor self-image (I’m not worthy) or a poor God-image (he’s not that loving).

Alternatively, there is the possibility that we are experiencing what some people have described as an external locus of control, where we mistakenly believe our value and happiness are determined by others' opinions rather than our own internal sense of who we are, and for the Christian, who we are in Christ.

This constant pursuit of approval is frequently driven by underlying anxiety and insecurity – a persistent worry about rejection or simply not being "good enough".

The painful result? A profound difficulty with authenticity. All these types of approval seeking lead us to struggle to be our true selves, as our behaviours are continuously shaped by the desire for external affirmation.

This is the very nature of the snare of the fear of man.

Over the years, I've observed that the fear of man truly is a snare—a complex trap with many faces. In fact, it could be classed as a six-headed beast, manifesting in various ways driven by different underlying fears and desires. Understanding these can help us identify its grip on our own lives.

I gave us an outline of the six to get us thinking last time. Now it’s time to face them head on.

Which one do you feel most challenged by?

As the series goes on, I will be dealing with each in turn from a biblical perspective, dismantling the lies that keep us ensnared. But for now, remember that as the proverb says, the antidote is to trust in the Lord. Look at it again, paying particular attention to the second half.

We will find safety as we learn to trust in the Lord for security, love and acceptance. As we come to believe we are fully known and fully loved by God, our false public personas will begin to dissipate.

But for now, here are the six ugly manifestations of the fear of man.

1: The Achiever

This type relentlessly seeks approval through accomplishments, success, and striving to be "the best". Their lives often involve overworking, pushing for perfection, and constantly seeking recognition for their achievements, sometimes even exaggerating or boasting.

At its core, their drive stems from a deep-seated fear of being seen as incompetent, ordinary, or unsuccessful, a belief that their inherent worth isn't enough without external validation of their deeds. This pursuit of outward achievement, if driven by fear, can be a particularly exhausting snare.

2: The Accommodator

Next, we encounter the classic people-pleaser. Their primary focus is gaining approval by catering to others' needs, diligently avoiding conflict, and saying "yes" even when every fibre of their being wants to say "no". This often looks like difficulty setting boundaries, excessive apologising, taking on too many responsibilities, neglecting their own needs, and suppressing their true opinions.

Their underlying fear is rejection, disapproval, or simply being disliked, often deriving their sense of value from being helpful and agreeable. This constant need to appease others is a clear snare to genuine relationships and self-care.

3: The Chameleon

Andrea and I both admit to succumbing to this one from time to time. This individual aims to gain approval by blending in, adapting their personality, opinions, and even interests to seamlessly fit into different groups or with various individuals. Their behaviours might include changing their opinions to match others, mimicking mannerisms, avoiding expressing any dissenting views, and constantly shapeshifting their identity.

What drives this is a profound fear of standing out, being ostracised, or not belonging, which can lead them to lose touch with their true self in the process. This constant adaptation is a snare to true identity.

4: The Peacekeeper

Jesus said, “Blessed are the peace makers” (Matthew 5:9). But peace keepers are radically different. This type is fixated on maintaining harmony and avoiding any form of conflict or disagreement at all costs. You'll often see them remaining silent to prevent difficult conversations, downplaying their own successes to avoid drawing attention, or even "fawning" in response to any perceived threat or disapproval. Rather than boldly making peace as Jesus encouraged, these people do what they can to maintain what some of us call ‘false harmony.’

Their deepest fear is conflict, tension, or making others uncomfortable, often stemming from a profound anxiety about confrontation itself. While peace is good, avoiding necessary truth is a snare.

5: The Rescuer

For this individual, approval comes from "saving" others, solving their problems, or striving to be indispensable. This can involve constantly offering unsolicited advice or help, taking on others' burdens, and feeling overly responsible for others' emotions.

Their underlying fear is not being needed or valued; they feel worthy only when they are perceived as the one who can fix things for everyone else. This can become a heavy snare of responsibility.

6: The Attention Seeker

Often driven by a deep underlying insecurity, the Attention Seeker’s focus is on gaining approval and validation by drawing constant attention to themselves. This might manifest as exaggerating stories, fishing for compliments, or engaging in dramatic behaviour. I’ve also seen people very subtly allude to things they’ve done as examples but wondered if their real motivation was to draw attention to themselves.

Similar to the Achiever (no.1 in my list – they asked to be!) they may draw attention to themselves, but unlike them, they may find other reasons to gain attention. Equally, Achievers don’t necessarily need others to notice them. They may just be happy to reach their goals.

At its root, the behaviour of the Attention Seeker is fuelled by a fear of insignificance, of being ignored, or not being noticed in a world where they feel otherwise invisible. This endless pursuit of being noticed is a snare as it prevents quiet contentment.

Moving Forward

Understanding these patterns in ourselves is a crucial first step, helping us recognise our specific approval-seeking behaviours and begin to address their root causes. But how do we break free from this complex snare? The answer, as we'll explore, lies in a radical shift of focus – from the fluctuating opinions of man to the unwavering acceptance of God.

As you reflect on these six "faces" of approval addiction, which one feels most familiar to you, and what small step might you take this week to begin releasing its grip?

Next time, we will begin an in-depth analysis of each of these six faces, begining with the achiever. See you there!